Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
More like Kate Missington.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I love you to the refrigerator and back