Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
You Might Also Like
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
much to think about
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…