Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
This is my bus stop.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.