@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

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@zachheltzel

“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”

@meghaffer

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

@FunnyTunes

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

@trevso_electric

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@DaddyJew

Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I thought we’d try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let’s tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats

@rad_milk

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500