@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

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@GrantTanaka

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@AmandaRNH

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@PhoenixRises69

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁

@theshamingofjay

Whenever I see an account with a persons full name I always check to see if they’re famous or stupid

@ComedicBust

Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM

Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.

[jurors gasp]

[Lawyer throws up]

@pro_worrier_

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

@ElleOhHell

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.