@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

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@murrman5

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

@KatelynnGelman

I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao

@PeaceInTruth1

A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@mela_shea

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

@tastefactory

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

@KevinFarzad

Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

@electrolemon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife