@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

You Might Also Like

@oigoabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@Pickles5366

Friend’s Fb post: In search of a coat hanger

My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car?

I’ve been on Twitter too long

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”ChiefTwittler”;s:5:”image”;s:78:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2586395865/3cpu7zbdviimc9b8xavl_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”169693914905841664″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”669″;s:5:”tweet”;s:60:”My plan, if I ever go to prison: I’m faking a headache 24/7.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@baronvonbike

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

@david8hughes

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

@murrman5

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*