Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.