When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.