Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.