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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.


I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”


Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive


Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.


Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in


[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.


You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”


Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?


*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth


her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault