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@DanKCharnley

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

@TheMichaelRock

Batman would probably be a better crime-fighter if he wasn’t making movies all the time.

@david8hughes

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

@ClichedOut

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

@simoncholland

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@iamspacegirl

her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault