“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening


*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork


Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”


To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.


My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one


Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news


Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….


Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions


In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it


OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.