@NathanBgood

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

You Might Also Like

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@BuckyIsotope

My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one

@HelloCullen

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

@nnnatchos

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

@LackOfShame

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@Spaziotwat

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.