“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring