Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

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I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.


I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.


if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive


Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time

J: wtf around what time


Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.


Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.


I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.


Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately


What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot


“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?


“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”


[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition