@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

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@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

@chaseisangry

Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want

“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”

@Real_Countress

Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street

@LostFelicia

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

@Bob_Janke

My neighbor is having a nice party with loud music and everyone is having fun I should call the cops

@hammbone84

Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.

@Dawn_M_

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.