I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time
J: wtf around what time
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition