Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving