Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]


Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?


Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want

“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”


Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street


Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.


Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*


My neighbor is having a nice party with loud music and everyone is having fun I should call the cops


Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.


If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.