Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.