Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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“What movie?” 🤔
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Breaking news:
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
When can I start eating bats again.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target