can’t believe I got front row seats

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Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.


To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.


Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.


Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*


NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!



“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows


I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.


Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge


Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.


Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.