can’t believe I got front row seats
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.