Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Planet of the Apps.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.