My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Risking my life for fun.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
🤣✨#caturday
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed