I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting