cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Perfect.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that