Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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My therapist after every session
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.