Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
LOOOOOOL
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?