Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.


“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*


*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*


A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.


[Frat party]


CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.


1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.


20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.


First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)