Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.

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A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.


If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.


If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.


cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.


If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.


Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys


Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school


[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*