Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
That lamp looks PISSED.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog