can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.