I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
My son’s baseball team just had to forfeit a game for not having enough Evans and Kadens
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it