Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”