Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.