Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend