can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
titanic
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds