Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank