*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks