Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.