Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.