Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.