Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in


*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.


911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.


When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.


I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.


Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.


mother: i hope i pass the bar exam


mother-in-law: i passed!


Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you


Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.