ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
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Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.
911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.
Me: This is so us.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!
Boss: you’re late
Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again
Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.