@papasuncle

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

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@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@KissabiX

*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.

@TheRolo

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

@SamanthaRae49

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.