Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves