Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.