Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*