can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.