I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not
do not @ me i wo not answer
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
me: how about 9:15
I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex