@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

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@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@northcoastkevin

I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.

@psybermonkey

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

@TigNotaro

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

@thejessbess

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

@silent_musings

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

@Jerrypleasure

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex