can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s