@joshcomers
@deedles420
Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.
But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”
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@deedles420
@paperphotoyo
[1st Date]
Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Him:
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?
@Darlainky
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
@IrishVin
Me: Can I buy that chandelier?
Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?
Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.
@Skoog
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
@Dutch_50
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
@nyquills
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
@BrdnHatesYou
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
@FeelingMervis
DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.
@mack44_d
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’