Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

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Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.

But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”


[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?


Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista


Me: Can I buy that chandelier?

Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?

Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.


satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out


satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much


Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.


God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*


*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*


16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’