Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*


My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.


Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?


Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?


Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced


The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different


I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”


The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.


Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”