Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down