@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

@sexualjumanji

my girl 7’9 we got in a fight last night she put my car keys in a birds nest in a tree i cant reach them please help me

@lazerdoov

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@psybermonkey

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

@JH_Moncrieff

“I don’t understand…we’re a grocery store. Do we really need an editor on staff?”

Yes. Yes, you do.