Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
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*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”