@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

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@fro_vo

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

@Tobi_Is_Fab

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

@FuckabillyRex

Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.

@3sunzzz

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@ParentalGrit

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

@TheTweetOfGod

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

@dragonsorbet

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”