Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I don’t like Russian dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]