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@KylePlantEmoji

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

@SnarkyMommy78

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

@ln0217

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

@Social_Mime

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

@longwall26

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

@evilistheheart

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

@ruinedpicnic

[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful

@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]