I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
this is the best day of my life
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour