Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.
Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.