Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Hell yeah 👍
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.