Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
All you need is love.
and health insurance.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
“NO NOT FISH