@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

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@tsm560

Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.

@iLiveSilent

In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.

@Qu4rtKn33

Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.

@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@SirEviscerate

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@furrrizzle

People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.

@HenpeckedHal

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

@samdunsiger

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.