Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok