Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Who knew!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.