Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
The Backseat Boys
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.